What Did She Say

*Originally posted on Our World From A to Z in December 2009.

You know you’re in a mushy, emotional state when you hear an Aeorsmith song and go, “totally, dude. Totally.”

Dream On came on the radio and the lyrics just clicked with me today.

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer

This is so true. I absolutely still see myself visually, in my head, as younger than I am and thinner than I am. When I look in the mirror, honestly, I shock myself. Almost every day. Sad, I know.

All these lines on my face getting clearer

Holy shit, are they ever! I… have…. wrinkles!

If I could go back to my 20-something self I would say, “Self.” “Yes, older self.” “Please, please, dear younger self, moisturize and cleanse regularly. You’ll thank me, um, you, when you’re 30-something-or-other.”

Now that I’m staring 40 in the face (ok, not staring so much as squinting at 40 from off in the distance, but it’s there… I can see it) things are starting to droop, drop, creak, crack, go nuh-uh, expand, proliferate, pop up, and grow where?! And while we’re on the topic, Mother Nature, why in the name of all things fuzzy does my body need to be covered in more hair as I age? Where is it going? Is it trying to escape? Is it taking over? Was there a coup?

I have not yet waved the white flag to signal my defeat to the grey hairs, but I now acknowledge I am losing that battle. Badly. Now I’m going to be colouring my hair not so much for the sake of a new colour, but for the sake of having colour. Ok. It’s not that bad, but those little wiry beasts are conspiring, staging predawn attacks and gaining a lot of ground

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it’s just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

I TRY to live in the moment. I TRY to enjoy life, as it is, today. I KNOW it could all end in the blink of an eye (thank you Aerosmith for reminding me). It’s so hard not to look behind…. or look ahead, but to live in the moment and not worry about what the future holds.

It’s weird. I used to always have some big life event to look forward to. When you’re little, it’s always the next birthday or going to then next grade. Then it’s going to high school, getting a driver’s license, graduating, going away to college. Then maybe it’s meeting a boy, falling in love, getting married. Then there’s still looking ahead to someday getting pregnant, having babies. It feels like I’ve run out of the “good” and “momentous” things to look forward to. Now all the things revolve around someone else’s life. My kids’ birthdays. Their moving on to the next grade, graduating, etc, etc…. I’m not trying to say this in a negative way. I’m simply feeling a bit strange. There’s no big “good” life event on the horizon for me anymore. Been there. Done that. Got the extra pounds still to prove it.

It’s a weird shift. I love my life. I love my kids. It’s just a different view on this side of the hill. Not sure when I “peaked”, but here we go! I’d lay down and barrel roll down with you, kids, but I’m afraid I might break a hip!

*Photo credit 35_kiss: christielockwood, flickr creative commons 

*Photo credit Top of the hill: Mike Rolls, flickr creative commons