What Did She Say

I’m making myself write this post. I don’t want to, since it’s not a “happy, cheery” post, but it needs to come out. So, here it is.

I forced myself to get out of bed to write because I didn’t want to get out of bed today.

Not because it was comfy or because I was tired (although it was comfy and I was tired), but because the covers were extremely heavy today.

I didn’t get out of bed until about 1pm (except for the quick jaunt to get my kids some breakfast and hit the bathroom).

Luckily my husband was home until about 12:30 today.

I know logically those covers get heavier with changes in hormones. I know logically those covers get heavier when I don’t eat right or sleep well.

I know logically that voice that’s keeping me in bed is not my friend  and I know she’s not right. Logically. I know that.

But those covers were so, so heavy today. They were heavy from the weight of the last week. I still haven’t had the full-out, cry-til-you-need-to cathartic cry I really, really need about the events of August 21 and what I saw two days later.

The covers were heavy with the weight of the bills I don’t know how we’re going to pay.

The covers were heavy with the weight of something that shall not be blogged about. Not yet anyway.

They were just. so. heavy today. And I couldn’t fight them.

I wasn’t sleeping. I was just there. In the dark. In the bed. In the basement. Letting my worry and guilt and sadness engulf me. It was easier just to let it than fight it this morning.